When I started this blog I was on a mission to be skinny, now I am on a mission to be as fit and healthy as I can be! This journey is always changing:)

Archive for February, 2013

I Love Myself Today, Not Like Yesterday

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So I guess this is not entirely weight related but I still feel it is important for us all to bring to light and out into the open, self esteem and bullying had been the topic of the week around here.  This is such a loaded topic that I am finding it a little hard to gather my thoughts but here it goes.

I grew up with amazing parents who always make it known to me that I could be and do whatever I worked towards.  I loved myself and believed in myself and for the majority of my life, I have had good self esteem. Of course there is the almost always typical self doubt and emotional roller coasters that come in high school, but I’ve always had great friends and family around me who never once made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love.   Sometimes throughout my life I have felt that some people were almost shocked that I didn’t hate myself for being overweight, that it was beyond their comprehension that maybe, just maybe, there was a fat girl who didn’t hate herself for it.

Although I have never been completely uncomfortable with myself, in the most recent years I have been a little more self concious about my body. Of course, in the past years I also also gained the most weight, worked the most at unsuccessfully losing said weight (which totally messes with your psyche) and of course, I also had two children, which also totally messes with your body. Recently I have noticed that I am really starting to love myself again (even though I didn’t realize how much I had really had started to dislike myself) I have wanted to shop for clothes again and it’s exciting that I can buy sizes that are so much smaller than before, and wearing “back of the closet” clothes again;  I feel confidant again and that I deserve to feel this way. And all of this combined with a video about bullying that my 3 year old watched with me, has lead me to small moments of teaching with her.

From my own upbringing I know that telling your children they are good and worthy will teach them as such, but in this day and age bullies are so prevalent that I think we, as parents, need to make more of an effort to teach them kindness and self worth from a much younger age.  Rowyn and I have talked a lot about how everyone is different and that’s what makes us each special, and that we are kind to everyone even if they are not always kind to us and that sometimes people are not kind to others because they don’t love themselves as much as they should. I realize that to a lot of people this seems like a heavy topic for a three year old, but anyone who knows us, knows that she is super sensitive and wise beyond her years and my years teaching preschool has helped me relate things in a fashion she can easily understand.  She knows that “Mommy loves Daddy, Rowyn and Grayson but Mommy also loves Mommy too” and she came back with “Right! and Rowyn loves Mommy, Daddy, Grayson and Rowyn!”   It makes me so happy that I am in a position in my life that I truly do love myself again and that, not only can I talk to her about good self esteem but I can also lead by example. It’s so so so important to me that she knows how amazing she is and everyday we tell her that she is smart, kind, beautiful, caring and that we love her so much always.

This rediscovered self esteem is not all weight related either. I am focused on my health, inside and out, and focused on changing how we all live as a family.  We are living a life full of fresh REAL food, organic and green products, less wheat and dairy (and none at all for G!) and a life of activity and adventures 🙂 Self esteem is not exclusively linked to weight, but for me, it’s about feeling proud that I am finally treating myself, my body and my family how we all deserve to be treated.  So yes, I love myself today, and I deserve it.

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Honesty

When I started this blog I promised that no matter how hard it was, that I would be honest in my postings and more importantly, honest with myself.  It’s obviously no secret that weight has been a struggle with me for almost as long as I can remember, and in that struggle I have been the master of self sabotage.   When I was doing weight watchers I would hit my 10% lost and fall completely off the wagon (more like make a subconscious flying leap off of it!) On this journey, I learned to recognize the signs of when I was gearing up to make that leap and why I do it, I am no psychologist but I came to the realization that I was scared to be successful in this journey.  Every time I would near a significant goal I would get scared of failing and tell myself that it was better to quit now before I lost too much because if I failed after losing a lot more weight then it would only be more disappointing when I gained it all back.

I also now know that working out and eating well go hand in hand for me, it seems that I cannot (at this point anyway) do one without the other. This past week between all of us being sick and many other little things, I have only gotten to the gym once since last Saturday and my eating has gotten out of control. There has been such horrible things and large bags of chips, Wendy’s, DQ, and no meal planning…it’s been a rough week.   But this time is different, I’m not leaping anywhere unless it’s into the van to hit the gym. It’s Sunday baby! What snowstorm? I’ve got a double header of Zumba and Body Combat to get to! Take that fat cells!

Plateau Gadgets!

Have no fear, I may have been quiet on here but I have, in fact, not fallen off any wagons 🙂  I’m still adjusting to being back to work (only 2.5 days a week but still!!) and the kids being in day care. That’s a lot more planning into my week  that I am still learning to juggle around with eating right and getting my workouts in, but I’m mostly managing.  I need to take a night and better plan out my week now that I know what a regular week for me is going to look like and hubby is still home to cook 🙂

My regular weigh in days are on Tuesdays and I am nervous to hop on that scale in the morning.  I haven’t lost any weight in weeks and it’s annoying! I can’t say, though, that i am getting discouraged at all which is good. I know that I am determined to get to my goal but with a touch over 85 lbs left to go, I would still really like (and need!) to see that scale wake up and start showing me lower numbers again soon! I am trying to focus more on how great I am feeling, I am feeling stronger, fitter and just overall healthier.  I mean, I actually RAN on the treadmill! That’s something I have not done since Rugby in high school and although I didn’t run for long, I did for 10 minutes of intervals at 45 seconds on and a 60 minute rest, gotta start somewhere and I’m happy with that 🙂

Right, back on track! …Since I have been in a plateau for a while now I knew something was going on with my workout/calorie intake combo so I went out gadget hunting ! I went and bought a pair of padded bike shorts which are amazing for spin class! I’ve found I can go harder because it’s not hurting any more, and have no fear, I wear them under my yoga pants, because the world is no ready for me in a pair of skin tight shorts lol  I also felt like I needed to track my calorie intake and output better, so at the advice of a friend I signed up for My Fitness Pal, and got the ap p as well and wo w, I am loving it SO much! It’s so handy to also have it on my phone and Plateau Gadgets!it knows all the info for ALL the food, it’s insane!!  And for calorie output I went and got this spiffy new watch!( http://www.polarusa.com/us-en/products/get_active/fitness_crosstraining/FT4)  It’s super simple, which is what I need! it tracks my heart rate, calorie output and the duration I was in my target heart rate zone! fancy!  I am really enjoying having the watch though! I like being able to have a visual of how hard I am working or how much I need to kick it up to hit my target zone. Also knowing exactly how many calories I burned by seeing it, makes me rethink everything I am eating, now that I know ,thanks to My Fitness Pal, how many calories everything is!

Of course you do not need gadgets to lose weight, but I am a visual person, so I know that having that as a motivator will help me stay focused and on track so I can meet my goal!  Fingers crossed for a loss tomorrow, however if the plateau carriers over another week, I shall keep my head up and keep on trudging through with the positive attitude that I’ve got this!

she-believed

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