When I started this blog I was on a mission to be skinny, now I am on a mission to be as fit and healthy as I can be! This journey is always changing:)

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The support one can get from a fantastic group of “strangers” is sometimes overwhelming 🙂 I say “strangers” because it doesn’t feel that way at all, it feels like most of these people are friends who know me, truly know me and the struggle that this journey is. I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them. Thank you

 After my post yesterday I realized that keep up with the blog really does help me sort through a lot of feelings and setbacks on this mission to become the fit and healthy person I know is in there. I also feel like if one other person reading this goes oh, thank god! I thought I was the only one! then sharing my personal trials has been worth it.  So I’m going to try to update more often but in the meantime I’ll be focusing on the small things to get my mindset back where it needs to be. I was comfortable when I was working for my health, this place I’m in now (the place I’ve lived so many years) is not comfortable, it feels wrong, and sad, depressing and well, icky. and that is what made me realize I’m not giving up. I’ve come too far, learned too much and have found out I have too much respect in myself, to let myself go back to the person I used to be. This is who I am now, for my family, my children, but mostly for me. 

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Still Here!

I’ve been thinking about making an update for awhile now, but honestly I have nothing good to say! I feel like I’m spinning in place, like I want it, but not bad enough to put in the effort. I think a lot of this is my impending 30th Birthday coming up in March. When I started this journey I came in guns “ablazing” ready to concur the world of fat by my 30th. Now here I sit, almost 30, still fat, still unhappy but with a happy façade that I got this thing under control, when in reality, I feel so out of control and lost. I look at my amazing kids and teach them all these great and healthy habits and how to love themselves, and meanwhile I feel like I’m living a lie.  I do want this, I want to be the person I see in my head and I know I can be but a lot of days lately I just feel like I don’t know how.

I know this is just another bump in the road and that I’ll get over it because I do, truly, want to.

 

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Mama got a Treadmill!

Just a quick update to say that I’m still here!   I had a bit   ok, a huge, pity party this week and was pulled up by a wonderful group of people in a weight loss challenge group I’m in. It’s amazing how those of us in this battle band together and help each other up when we call for help. I think there are only two people in this group I’ve ever met in real life, at that’s only at my work, but none of that matters! We’re all in this together and it’s been a blessing  without a doubt! <3!

I also decided a little over a week ago that I was going to buy a treadmill! I know how important walking is to weight loss but most days I just cannot make myself go! I’m too lazy to dress the kids, make sure everyone pees, has snacks and has things to be amused on the walk. Then there is the unloading of the massive double stroller,weather,  blah, blah blah, excuses, excuses. But the reality was that those excuses were holding me back and I wasn’t putting any effort in to overcome them, so I got  a treadmill off Kijiji!  Hubby and I did some online research to make sure it was going to suit us because I wanted one as quiet as possible since our room is next to the little dude’s room, and I also needed one with a high weight limit, which surprisingly the majority of them have a weight limit of 250 which I expected to be higher honestly. Found an awesome one (Epic 425 mx) and my amazing sister in law and her awesome boyfriend helped me lug this MASSIVE thing home and it was NOT easy and took 3 hours from start to finish!  Regardless it is now in (and taking up most of) my bedroom and after some belt tightening and troubleshooting it’s working great (major thanks to C.S for the help!!)  🙂

SO my goal for the week to do 2-3 half hour walks a day!! I have a lot of ground to make up in this weight loss journey and we didn’t go through all that effort of lugging that treadmill home for it to be used as a closet!

When I say MASSIVE, I mean it! Here’s my Little Dude inspecting the treadmill upon arrival (note that he’s 21months and in the 97% for height so he’s NOT as small as he looks lol)

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(Also ignore the clothes on the bed I was putting them away, honest 😛  )

Struggles and Empowerment

 So it’s no secret that I’ve been struggling for months now and gained a fair bit of weight back between February and July (I don’t even know how much to be honest.) In July I joined Simply For Life and absolutely love it but I still find myself struggling. SFL believes that (with research to back it up) that you can burn more fat by burning calories by walking a few times a day rather than killing it at the gym for an hour. The reason being (r my understanding of it) that when you burn those calories at a slower pace your body doesn’t need to be replenished with extra food whereas when you burn the same amount of calories in an hour, your body needs something back.  I understand the concept and the research behind this and it makes perfect sense however I was going to zumba and a spin class twice a week each and loved them! When I was told to stop going and start walking I struggled with the idea but was game for trying anything new.

 I started walking and realized I could burn 4-500 calories in an hour by walking (and pushing 70lbs of children in a stroller) so I gave it a try! My problem was, I hate walking! Ok, I don’t hate walking, it’s nice and I found a stunning trail by the river which is right by my house, but I hate walking for exercise.   I tried and tried to wrap my head around the fact I was burning calories and should be losing weight, but I wasn’t because I was still struggling with food.

 I missed spin and quiet honestly, I felt lost without going so I spent a few days of really reflecting on why I enjoying it so much since I could, essentially,  burn the same amount of calories walking.  I realized I missed everything about spin class! I missed the rush of being on the bike and the glow I felt after. I missed the feeling of accomplishment, I missed the comradery in the classes, I missed the amazing instructors who knew what you were capable of and pushed you to get there! But most of all, I realized I missed that I felt empowered on that bike.  Nine time out of ten, I am the largest person in that room, but it doesn’t seem to matter to me or anyone else! I got to a point where I got over my fear of being the fat girl in spandex, and actually stopped wearing pants OVER my spin shorts, and that, as someone who has always been overweight, and always feels like people are looking and judging you, that’s empowering.  

  Another large part of what I miss about spinning is the frustration you can get out on that bike.  Since I’ve stopped going, I’ve felt more on edge, frustrated and angry and no one wants to feel like that. My hubby works away for 14 days at a time and being here with the kids with no one around to help or offer any form of relief, I get frustrated and then feel like a helpless and horrible parent which only leads to binge eating. That wasn’t happening when I was spinning and I realized it’s because that was my outlet for all of that! My one hour where I’m just me, alone, and as much as I love my kids more than anything, that felt good.  Everything comes out on that bike and when I walk out I feel lighter and happier, and I know I can’t get that from walking. 

  I returned to spin yesterday and it was one of the best days I’ve had in awhile 🙂 I go to my SFL consult on Thursday and will be asking for some kind of compromise for all the above reasons that I need to return to spin class, even one day a week. And as for you, try a spin class! It’s not kind on the behind for the first few times, not gonna lie, but it’s so worth it (and a pair of padded bike shorts!) but it’s cheaper than therapy 🙂 

 

Spin Class, where this:

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Turns into this:

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 TRY IT !

 

Ever feel…

Fellow journey goers, ever feel like you’re not worth it any more? Like you’re never going to make it so you’re not sure what you’re even working at any more? My real brain knows this is dumb and all the reasons why I am worth it, but my fat girl is so loudly trying to tell me that she has no idea what she’s doing any more, or what she’s putting herself through this for. Fat girl brain really wants chips and anything else she can eat. Fat girl brain needs to piss off and real brain needs to be louder.

Preparing for Success

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^ This is what some of my week of food ,mainly lunches, looks like and I made it all in under 3 hours. My success in weight loss comes from being prepared and never having to “scrounge” for food. I have two young kids and next to no help with hubby working away and all my family living in another city. If I’m not prepared, I end up “starving” and eating food that is not what I should be eating, or worse, not eating at all and then hunting for snacks all night long. With a little planning meal prep isn’t all that hard to do 🙂  I diced up about 6 chicken breasts and cooked them all at the same time with a little EVOO and some basic seasoning while 3 more breasts were baking in the oven. While the diced chicken was cooking I was chopping veggies and feeding the children who were safely locked in the living room lol.  When the chicken was done I measured it out into piles for 2 half servings of the Mexican Rice and a double batch of chicken chilli! I then made the chilli and while it was simmering I was also cooking the rice and pasta! At the same time I was stirring the 3 pots on the stove I was adding the veggies for the Mexican Rice and the pasta dish into mixing bowls to be ready for the pasta/rice 🙂 It all came together quickly and nicely and honestly isn’t as chaotic as it sounds, honest! The key to quick prepping is to do multiple things at once and it may take a few attempts to get to a point where everything comes together but trust me when I say that it’s so worth it!

 Now today all I need to do is make the sauce for the Mexican Rice, add the forgotten broccoli to the pasta dish and chop veggies to go with the diced ham for breakfasts and I’m good to go! Plus there is now 3 more cooked chicken breasts weighed out and individually packaged in my freezer alongside a batch of chilli. 

  For those (less than!) 3 hours, I put me first by allowing myself to take the time out of my hectic life to set myself up for success and now I feel no pressure about the upcoming week and I know it will show on the scale but more importantly in my body mind and overall mood 🙂  Because let’s face it, our lives are crazy enough on their own, don’t let food get in the way

 Give yourself the opportunity to set your week up for success! 

 

 

I Will…

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I’ve been trying to do a lot of reflecting last night and today over how I’ve been feeling about my weight loss since, well , February pretty much.  I need to have more faith in myself and “trust the journey”, trust that every single healthy decision I make for myself will propel my body and mind in the right direction.  SO this week, I shall take it day by day, and hour by hour…

I will fight through things when needed and do what I can to have as many successful decisions and therefore leading to many successful days.

I will set myself up for success and follow my meal plan and pre-make as many meals as the children will allow.

I will not hate myself or talk down to myself when things do not go as planned.

I will carry water with me at all times and try to get back to drinking 4L a day,  my body really does love me a whole lot more when it’s full of H2O.

I will stick to my plan of not weighing myself, because ultimately this journey is not about my weight (sounds crazy when you started out needed to lose 144lbs!) but it’s about giving my body the health it deserves so I can give myself and my family the best me that I can.

I will allow myself some freedom on Friday, as all my aunts and girl cousins are getting together for some drinks and fun. I will have drinks, since I rarely do so, but I will bring my own snacks and try my best to stay away from chips. I think that in the scheme of things, I need a night to let loose a little, and not be with kids or hubby because I honestly cannot tell you the last time I’ve been “alone”. And (after the hangover is gone) I think this will be rejuvenating 🙂

I will be as active as possible but will not dwell or harp on the fact that I did or didn’t work out that day. I will listen to my body when my bum ankle and sciatica is talking.

I will love myself each and everyday. My weight doesn’t define me, but my actions do,

I will do this, because I deserve it. 

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