Stay tuned…

Big change and revelations are abrewing on this skinny mission! stay tuned 🙂

Not backing down

It’s no secret or suprise that I’ve fallen off the wagon a hundred times before but this one is different. I was thinking earlier today that this current struggle seems to be the never ending and toughest one I’ve ever gone through. Then it occurred to me that it feels never ending because I am still fighting…For once Im not giving up. It’s been a reeeeeeal tough go since suprise ( not gonna lie) like Christmas!  But ,even though some days I feel like it, I am not giving up. So don’t give up on me because this time I am not giving up on myself.

Ho Hum, a post on my reality

Well, It looks like my last post was a lie, hiatus was, in fact, not over. I don’t know what’s going on but I am having such a hard time getting my head back in the “game” lately.  I had a complete and total meltdown on Friday where I was quitting the gym, didn’t care if I ate anything at all, let alone anything that would actually fuel my body, I just freaked out and shut down.  My eating these past few weeks has been horrific, and not just cooking bad at home horrific, but eating out, not eating, or eating everything in sight. I just don’t have an answer as to what the hell happened to my mindset but it shut down.  There is a lot going on personally, but my journey to better health seemed to be the one thing that I could control, but now…phew!

Going to the gym and exercising is something, thankfully, that comes naturally to me, and I love the atmosphere of my classes and I love the afterglow of a great workout. But food is my demon, always has been and seemingly, always will be. I just haven’t found anything that “works” with me and my family. I realize how horrible of an excuse that is, and I’m not try to make them, just being open with what’s going on, as that’s what this is all about 🙂

Years ago I used to be on Weight Watchers and loved it, and also did fairly well on it, but I’m thinking of (when we get some $ back of course) joining Simply For Life. Everyone seems to love it and I have a friend who is excelling on the program. I need structure, plain and simple. At this point food and I cannot be left alone together unsupervised and I need someone to help whip me into shape.

In the meantime, for this week, I’m going back to Visalus twice a day only because I still have bags of it kicking around the place. I did find that after I was on it for a bit before, that it did help break some of my connection with food and it’s basically fool proof and there is very little planning involved. That’s what I feel like I need right now; a system reboot.  So that, my friends, is what I will give myself because even through all my negative self talking I’ve been doing lately (things I would NEVER say to another living thing) I could feel that spark way down deep that knew I was worth more than that. So I shall try to fan that flame and get it back, because I do deserve this, we all do 🙂

P.S I recently joined with world of Twitter (Twittervers?) so follow me and keep up with the everyday happenings of @kylaonamission   🙂

Hiatus is OVER

Ugh what a dramatic and stressful few weeks it’s been, super sick dog, broken van, blood and other testing for my boy and I could go on.  I was dealing with so many emotions and things just seemed to be flying at us from all angles and I was feeling so overwhelmed with it all that I decided I was going to take a week off from the gym.  Well, we all know how those usually turn out right? 3 weeks later and I was feeling pissed off, cranky and sluggish, man I missed the gym! Because the gym had become such a habit for me and I usually go 4-5 times a week, I forgot how much I depend on the gym to keep me sane!  I am no longer myself when I don’t go to the gym on a regular basis, I missed spin class, I missed the feeling of upping my squat weights, I missed watching my calorie burn on my watch, I MISSED IT!

I went back to the gym on Tuesday for my usual BodyPump/Zumba combo and thought it was a good idea to use my regular weights…lol ouch. My quads are half dead and I couldn’t possibly be any happier about it. I missed you muscles, sorry I left you out in the cold for a bit, it won’t happen again.

(ok, well maybe, shit happens, but I will never ever forget about you for long.)

My Inner Ninja

So last week, I was having a few bad-ish days with a lot going on, but Monday I was giving myself a pep talk on the way to Spin class and “Inner Ninja” (by a band out of Halifax, Classified ft, David Myles who’s from Fredericton!)  came on the radio. I’ve heard this song a hundred times on the radio and would always  sing along because I loved the music and the beat, but that day I actually heard the lyrics in a context that was like it was made for me at that exact moment. Don’t ya love when music does that!?  It hit me so hard that  there were tears streaming down my face and I was all “HELL yes, I’ve got this!!” and completely jazzed up by the time I got to class.

I’m going to outline what this  song means to ME. I know it’s not the “actual” meaning of the song, but that’s the beauty of music, it speaks to you 🙂

{Intro}
Ninja?
You’re a ninja?
Get out of here you’re a ninja!
Yes I am a ninja.

{Chorus 1}
I read the rules before I broke ‘em
I broke the chains before they choked me out  I finally am on a mission to lose this weight before it does irreversible damage to my body

And I pay close attention

When I learn the code

I learn to read the map before I hit the road  I’ve learned to map out my week, when I am working out, what I am doing there and what I will be eating for the week.

{Verse 1}
Hey yo I know you never heard this before
But I’d rather lose a fight then miss the war There are times when  I have and will lose battles with food, it’s what happens with any addiction, but I will win this weight loss war
And I ain’t wishing competition or fishing for it
I’m just living in a system conditions are poor

I’ve been lost in the rhythm and miss informed
To many late nights hitting the liquor convenience store
To many bad decisions, half assed attempts
No sweat, no fear, no blood, no tears  I’ve trudged through many half assed attempts at weight loss, some of them I even had myself convinced I was in it to win it, but never life this time. This time IS the LAST time.  And there is lots of sweat, overcoming fears, plenty of tears and the occasional spot of blood and ice packs 🙂

I go hard
And I ain’t makin’ up no excuse  I was the queen of excuses because I get migraines, have bad knees, ankles, and wrist. I could manage to talk myself out of any workout for any and every reason. Now I wrap myself up, sometimes I go to class with both knees, one ankle and  one wrist wrapped, but I’m there and I go hard!
I’m only do I don’t do what I’m supposed to do
Cause if you think about it man were supposed to lose (the weight)

It ain’t all picture perfect don’t confuse  If you come out of the gym looking the same way you went in, you’re doing it wrong J
Nope, I was a first class rookie I was new to it all, but now I’ll give anything a try at least once.
Taken out badies in my all black hoodie.
Man and mystery you now the history
Get it or forget it cause poof I’m outta here

{Chorus 1}

{Chorus 2}
Nobody’s going to see me coming
Nobody’s going to hear a sound
No matter how hard they tryin’
No stoppin’ me since I found

My inner ninja x4 No stopping me is right! I truly have found my inner ninja!

{Verse 2}
Hey yo I’ve been high and I’ve been real low
I’ve been beaten and broken but I heal though
So many ups and down
Ruffed up and clown
We all got problems but we deal oh  I think in the context of how I chose to read the song, this is fairly self explanatory.  I have plenty of ups and downs, we all do, but I deal with them and move on. Shit happens, deal with it and move on.

I’m trying to do better now
Find my inner peace
Learn my art form and find my inner chi It really does take a lot of time, practice, and reminding yourself to face things, acknowledge them, and move on.
When my backs on the wall I don’t freeze up
No I find my inner strength and I rear up When things or people are trying to get me down, I’ve finally gotten to a place where instead of resorting to food, I’ll dig down deep and work it out at the gym.

Here we go
I know I’ve never been the smartest or wisest but I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But I gotta make it to the next day  Again, pretty self explanatory in this context, but I dig down and  remind myself that once I go to bed, the next day is a new day. I no longer will dwell on the fact I slipped up yesterday because once the sun rises it’s a new day. Don’t look bad at your mistakes, but ahead to your achievements.

It’s a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
But you running out of the air and your breath won’t come
And you (Breaths in and out heavily) wheezing gotta keep a movin’
Fined an extra unh and push your way through it  This is a spin class reference to me lol Because sometimes I’m almost sure I cannot go any harder and it’s usually that moment when I’ll get a well needed, friendly push from a friend, she knows who she is J, and I’ll push myself harder and remind myself I CAN push myself through it, and damn it will be worth it.

{Verse 3}
I’ve had bad habits but I dropped ‘em, I dropped ‘em  Sure have J
I’ve had opponents but I knocked them out My subconscious is my only real opponent, and yup, sometimes she needs to be knocked out.
I climbed the highest mountains  I’m sure we’ve climbed them in RPM
I swam the coldest seas
There ain’t nothing I’ve faced that’s been to much for me I’ve been faced with a lot in my almost 30 years, and I have overcome them all…and I will add this battle to that list.

{Chorus 2}
Nobody going to see me coming
Nobody’s going to hear a sound
No matter how hard they tryin’
Nobody’s going to bring me down Nobody will define this journey for me.

{Outro}
Man that was dope
You think
What are you like a, a third degree black belt
Actually I’m not even in karate
But I’ve found
My inner ninja 

That is my personal interpretation of the song so I mean no disrespect to the artist as I know it’s not the “actual” meaning, but I find is SO empowering.  It is now my weight loss journey anthem and I BLARE it every day on the way to the gym and I give it my all once I get there. In fact, I am so empowered by this song and the meaning it now has to me, that I am strongly considering getting a tattoo of a pink ninja on a spin bike as my 100lb loss gift to myself lol, no seriously, I am. 🙂

Do you have a life anthem?

A few bad days…

I promise I am still here and have still got both feet on this path to health and fitness! I may have taken a few side roads in the past few week but my feet are still travelling in the right direction!  My husband left almost two weeks ago to return to his job in Alberta after being home with us since January, so that’s been yet another huge adjustment for us…again! While he was home I got so used to just going to the gym whenever I felt like it, that I forgot how restricted my schedule is when I have no choice but to take the kiddos with me! I got spoiled and lazy in my planning while he was home. When he’s gone I have to not only make a meal plan and a gym plan but I have to also decided what to cook each night according to how long it will take me, especially if I am going to a class at the gym around supper time! And I also need to take into account naps/cranky (er) times for my youngest who has horrible separation anxiety from me.

At the same time that The Hubs left I also embarked on a new nutrition plan that has left me feeling like I am scrambling all the time and never know what to cook. It’s not even a plan that’s overly complicated! The jist is that I can have “alternative/good” carbs once a day at either breakfast or supper, ie: sweet potato (which i’m not a huge fan of), quinoa, whole grain rice or wheat free bread. I guess I never realized how much I relied on things like pasta to make a meal “whole” before! But holy, I feel like I’m so stuck!  Ideally I would like to not have those carbs at supper so they aren’t digesting at night but I guess I grew up in a “meat,potato,veggie” family and like to see 3 piles of stuff on my plate and I’m finding it super difficult to break that habit. I miss the ease of pasta.

I guess overall lately I’m feeling like everything is out of control, and those who know me IRL, know I like to have control! lol My house is messy a total friggin disaster, my toddler is missing her Daddy and is acting out because she doesn’t know what else to do with her feelings, my baby is, well, he’s beyond adorable but is a handful lol and my meal plan isn’t done and neither is my gym plan. I also have a thousand other things running through my mind so I feel like I’m totally overwhelmed and spinning in circles! Ahhhhh!!! I know that when I don’t have control of the exterior things in my life, my weight loss and eating goes to hell and I’ve been fighting with my food demons for awhile now.  When I started this blog I vowed to be open and honest because I want anyone else out there on this journey to know that you’re not alone when you’re feeling like this, and with persistence and the will to get there, we will! Nothing worth having is easy to get or something like that 😀 So tomorrow I will make (because it’s not going to just appear!) the time (after spin class of course!) to scour Pinterest and the internet for low carb supper recipes and I WILL make my meal plan. I’ve got this under control…one thing at a time.

 

 

Progress Photo!

I’ve been having a rough few weeks fighting the food demons and have been slightly discouraged at the lack of movement in my scale because despite some slip ups, overall it’s not been horrible and I still should be losing weight! With 85 lbs left to lose I still feel like I need to see that scale moving every week or i’m not going to make my timeline. Although, since I still felt smaller and fitter (more fit?) I felt like it was time to update my progress picture for myself and decided it was time to post it all 🙂 I’ve been having a “hard time” since October in seeing results on the scale and have only lost 10 lbs since the October picture  but the difference in the photos is not something I expected to see at ALL! So this is proof to me (and should be to you too!) that it’s not all about that dreaded number on the scale and that exercise really does make all the difference!

Total Weight Lost = 60 lbs

Inches  Lost  – Chest -4″

                            -Waist (aka Underboob) -6″

                            – “Underboob roll” -4″

                            – Hips -7″

                            – Thigh  (L) 6.5″ / (R) 5″….(Thanks Spin class!)

                            – Arms (L) 4″ / (R) 3.5″

 For a grand total of 40 inches melted away off this body!!

 So I have come to the realization that I might not exactly be at my numbers goal by my 30th birthday but you better beleive that I’ll be looking fit, toned and loving every minute of it!

I Love Myself Today, Not Like Yesterday

So I guess this is not entirely weight related but I still feel it is important for us all to bring to light and out into the open, self esteem and bullying had been the topic of the week around here.  This is such a loaded topic that I am finding it a little hard to gather my thoughts but here it goes.

I grew up with amazing parents who always make it known to me that I could be and do whatever I worked towards.  I loved myself and believed in myself and for the majority of my life, I have had good self esteem. Of course there is the almost always typical self doubt and emotional roller coasters that come in high school, but I’ve always had great friends and family around me who never once made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love.   Sometimes throughout my life I have felt that some people were almost shocked that I didn’t hate myself for being overweight, that it was beyond their comprehension that maybe, just maybe, there was a fat girl who didn’t hate herself for it.

Although I have never been completely uncomfortable with myself, in the most recent years I have been a little more self concious about my body. Of course, in the past years I also also gained the most weight, worked the most at unsuccessfully losing said weight (which totally messes with your psyche) and of course, I also had two children, which also totally messes with your body. Recently I have noticed that I am really starting to love myself again (even though I didn’t realize how much I had really had started to dislike myself) I have wanted to shop for clothes again and it’s exciting that I can buy sizes that are so much smaller than before, and wearing “back of the closet” clothes again;  I feel confidant again and that I deserve to feel this way. And all of this combined with a video about bullying that my 3 year old watched with me, has lead me to small moments of teaching with her.

From my own upbringing I know that telling your children they are good and worthy will teach them as such, but in this day and age bullies are so prevalent that I think we, as parents, need to make more of an effort to teach them kindness and self worth from a much younger age.  Rowyn and I have talked a lot about how everyone is different and that’s what makes us each special, and that we are kind to everyone even if they are not always kind to us and that sometimes people are not kind to others because they don’t love themselves as much as they should. I realize that to a lot of people this seems like a heavy topic for a three year old, but anyone who knows us, knows that she is super sensitive and wise beyond her years and my years teaching preschool has helped me relate things in a fashion she can easily understand.  She knows that “Mommy loves Daddy, Rowyn and Grayson but Mommy also loves Mommy too” and she came back with “Right! and Rowyn loves Mommy, Daddy, Grayson and Rowyn!”   It makes me so happy that I am in a position in my life that I truly do love myself again and that, not only can I talk to her about good self esteem but I can also lead by example. It’s so so so important to me that she knows how amazing she is and everyday we tell her that she is smart, kind, beautiful, caring and that we love her so much always.

This rediscovered self esteem is not all weight related either. I am focused on my health, inside and out, and focused on changing how we all live as a family.  We are living a life full of fresh REAL food, organic and green products, less wheat and dairy (and none at all for G!) and a life of activity and adventures 🙂 Self esteem is not exclusively linked to weight, but for me, it’s about feeling proud that I am finally treating myself, my body and my family how we all deserve to be treated.  So yes, I love myself today, and I deserve it.

Honesty

When I started this blog I promised that no matter how hard it was, that I would be honest in my postings and more importantly, honest with myself.  It’s obviously no secret that weight has been a struggle with me for almost as long as I can remember, and in that struggle I have been the master of self sabotage.   When I was doing weight watchers I would hit my 10% lost and fall completely off the wagon (more like make a subconscious flying leap off of it!) On this journey, I learned to recognize the signs of when I was gearing up to make that leap and why I do it, I am no psychologist but I came to the realization that I was scared to be successful in this journey.  Every time I would near a significant goal I would get scared of failing and tell myself that it was better to quit now before I lost too much because if I failed after losing a lot more weight then it would only be more disappointing when I gained it all back.

I also now know that working out and eating well go hand in hand for me, it seems that I cannot (at this point anyway) do one without the other. This past week between all of us being sick and many other little things, I have only gotten to the gym once since last Saturday and my eating has gotten out of control. There has been such horrible things and large bags of chips, Wendy’s, DQ, and no meal planning…it’s been a rough week.   But this time is different, I’m not leaping anywhere unless it’s into the van to hit the gym. It’s Sunday baby! What snowstorm? I’ve got a double header of Zumba and Body Combat to get to! Take that fat cells!

Plateau Gadgets!

Have no fear, I may have been quiet on here but I have, in fact, not fallen off any wagons 🙂  I’m still adjusting to being back to work (only 2.5 days a week but still!!) and the kids being in day care. That’s a lot more planning into my week  that I am still learning to juggle around with eating right and getting my workouts in, but I’m mostly managing.  I need to take a night and better plan out my week now that I know what a regular week for me is going to look like and hubby is still home to cook 🙂

My regular weigh in days are on Tuesdays and I am nervous to hop on that scale in the morning.  I haven’t lost any weight in weeks and it’s annoying! I can’t say, though, that i am getting discouraged at all which is good. I know that I am determined to get to my goal but with a touch over 85 lbs left to go, I would still really like (and need!) to see that scale wake up and start showing me lower numbers again soon! I am trying to focus more on how great I am feeling, I am feeling stronger, fitter and just overall healthier.  I mean, I actually RAN on the treadmill! That’s something I have not done since Rugby in high school and although I didn’t run for long, I did for 10 minutes of intervals at 45 seconds on and a 60 minute rest, gotta start somewhere and I’m happy with that 🙂

Right, back on track! …Since I have been in a plateau for a while now I knew something was going on with my workout/calorie intake combo so I went out gadget hunting ! I went and bought a pair of padded bike shorts which are amazing for spin class! I’ve found I can go harder because it’s not hurting any more, and have no fear, I wear them under my yoga pants, because the world is no ready for me in a pair of skin tight shorts lol  I also felt like I needed to track my calorie intake and output better, so at the advice of a friend I signed up for My Fitness Pal, and got the ap p as well and wo w, I am loving it SO much! It’s so handy to also have it on my phone and Plateau Gadgets!it knows all the info for ALL the food, it’s insane!!  And for calorie output I went and got this spiffy new watch!( http://www.polarusa.com/us-en/products/get_active/fitness_crosstraining/FT4)  It’s super simple, which is what I need! it tracks my heart rate, calorie output and the duration I was in my target heart rate zone! fancy!  I am really enjoying having the watch though! I like being able to have a visual of how hard I am working or how much I need to kick it up to hit my target zone. Also knowing exactly how many calories I burned by seeing it, makes me rethink everything I am eating, now that I know ,thanks to My Fitness Pal, how many calories everything is!

Of course you do not need gadgets to lose weight, but I am a visual person, so I know that having that as a motivator will help me stay focused and on track so I can meet my goal!  Fingers crossed for a loss tomorrow, however if the plateau carriers over another week, I shall keep my head up and keep on trudging through with the positive attitude that I’ve got this!