I’ve got this

I have so much that has been running through my mind for many months so it will be a challenge to not post it all at once! I guess I will start with short story of what is behind me thus far! I’ve always struggled with food and am such an emotional eater that it used to take me days of emotional eating before I would even realize I was stressed over something.  For those who have never had weight issues, that probably seems impossible and illogical, and it’s one of those things that only those who have been there can fully understand, but believe me when I tell you it was a common thing in my life *note the past tense. As a teen I dealt with unimaginable heartache by playing sports and being in various clubs but when I got home there was only one thing left to do, eat my sorrow.   Eleven years later I have had more weight loss attempts than I dare to count and obviously none have been overly successful.  Those that were semi-successful didn’t last long before I panicked and would subconsciously self sabotage myself into failure. I figured I would never actually succeed in reaching my goal so I may as well quit before I get too far into it, it would be less disappointing that way.

In 2009 I so badly wanted a baby but my body knew it was in no shape to undertake something as major as growing another human.  I lost 45 lbs and was blessed with my sweet Rowyn and she changed my life in SO many ways.  I realized that I never wanted her to have to deal with the weight issues I had and was currently trying to solve.  I realized that while I was never bullied as a kid, that kids are different now and seem to be much harsher, I never wanted her to deal with that. When I looked at her, even as a newborn, I knew I needed to change my life for her.  I had more random weight loss here and there but I was a new mom who was trying to take on everything and my own health was the one thing I felt I could set aside for now, so I did.  Then Grayson, my handsome snuggly boy, was born in 2012, and something clicked. Yes I needed to lose weight for them, they are my whole universe,  but if I wanted to be a true roll model for them I needed to love myself as much as I love them.

As I was recovering from C-Section #2, and adjusting to life as a mother of 2, the weight loss planning took over and I found Visalus .  I struggled a lot with the thought of using a “meal replacement shake” instead of the old fashioned way! I didn’t want people to assume that since I was fat that I was lazy, taking the easy way out and looking for some magic drink to fix all I had so wrongly done to myself. I tried to get back to the weight watchers life I had lead before and found that I was never eating! ever! There was no time! I had a toddler who was used to having me for herself and a new baby who was…a challenge to say the least. So after a few months, I bit the bullet and ordered a bag of Body by Vi.  I decided that no, I wasn’t looking for a quick fix, I knew this was a long road I was facing. I knew I loved going to the gym and intended to do so, a lot! I knew that I could cook delicious and healthy meals for supper and make this work. So for the people who want to judge me for having a shake for breakfast, go ahead. I know that  right now in my life it’s what I needed to get me on the right path for this 144lbs weight loss journey ahead of me. I eat healthy, real, unprocessed food for snacks, supper and the occasional lunch, I go to the gym 3-4 days a week and since I have to take both kids with me I am sweating before I ever arrive!  I know drinking a shake for breakfast is not sustainable forever, I’m not in denial, I’m being realistic with what my own life allows at this point in time.

I’ve got 55 of those 144lbs released as of right now, and this blog is going to help me track this journey and when I arrive on the doorstep of my 30th I will be a whole new me.  A new me that loves herself inside and out, and can lead by example instead of just words. I will get there, it’s no longer a question of failure, it’s not longer an option. I’ve got this.